Lived Experience Forum

[MDT]

I have noticed that I am playing scenarios from the past over and over again as if they were a movie. In this movie there is just a barrage of things I've experienced that were negative. I'm constantly going back into it. I can't sit still with these feelings, I feel horrible, gross, ugly. Sometimes they come out of me and I end up hurting those closest to me. 

I hate myself for this. I am struggling to move past it. I want to understand it better so that I can move on. 

I think I need to take some time now to write out what I'm actually experiencing. 

I don't know where or how to start. I would approach this whole thing chronologically if I of course could, but it feels like I can't. All I really feel is my soul getting crushed slowly and the pain from that is piercing into my heart. It's a sharp pain. It makes me want to get up walk away. 

Even just now I pretended to look away at something on my phone - it's like I am distracted completely by things. 

I overcompensate with things. I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm down on myself. It's very hard. 

Last night I had a bit of an argument with my partner about something trivial, we made up but I feel woeful. I spoke to her about how these traumas from the past are affecting me. I need her empathy and at times I just don't know how to speak to her about things. She said I can and it'll be okay. But I don't want to burden her. 

You see there is so much I want to say but don't know how to say it. In one minute I can't speak, then the next I wish I could say everything all at once. It's like I have unconscious experience before I am able to articulate exactly what it is - if that makes any sense?

I feel a rush and sense of urgency behind everything in my life except for that which matters most to me - my actual mental health. The one thing that should be prioritised. In my own way. I can't ask the world to prioritize it for me or indeed for the world to slow down for me. I can't fake being strong because that is a form of weakness. So what is the strong thing to do? Cultivate a new world view? Articulate a strategy to get better? Search the deepest elements of my pain and come to a resolution? Maybe it is a combo of all three. 

last night I spoke to my sister on the phone and told her that the traumas from the past are getting to me a lot lately. 

as I meditate on them now I find that there are so many. Call them traumas or bad experiences or whatever, but the point is that they are real and they are there. IT's like they are happening now in the present. But I know, intellectually, they are not happening. The divide between the present and the past is not there - everything is the past and everything is the present. There's too much mixed up between the two of them. 

I grew tired of my old psychologist because he was looking like he was falling asleep in the sessions which really bugged me. It made me self conscious. Like I was meant to be entertaining. He also made some suggestive comments about onlyfans (something I personally disagree with but moot point), it bugged me. 

My issue too is that I am intelligent and perceptive enough to know things in myself, but lately I have wondered down a path that has taken me so far from who and what I am. 

Similar to Raskalnikov, I have gone far down a path of unsatiated brutal reason and logic. But my own conscious, intact as it is, has rubbed up against myself. I haven't murdered anyone like he did, but I have done things I cringe at. Not on par with murder but things that I no longer see as ethical and I see no other reason behind it as psychological abuse and shame within the church atmosphere I was at when I was young. I used to visit massage parlours for sexual reasons and I feel gross for talking about it, but I must say that it comes with the additional context of sexual shame and guilt in the church environment. This also factored into the way I behaved in the past with regards to dating and trying to hook up. Part of me thinks this is an excuse. But the other part of me sees this as an explanation. Now that I am more self aware, it is a different story altogether. My reason and desperate attempt to try and blot out the pain from the past is rubbing against me and causing me harm psychologically. Even now as I mention it, I feel a bit better. But I don't just want to "feel" better, I want to "be" better. 

Being placed into a state of shame and guilt at a formative age really screwed me up. Last night I said something truly shocking, I said that I wished I had been abused sexually because at least that way I would be able to understand why I am the way I am now. It is a horrible thing to say, but it comes from a place of confusion and torment deep within. 

This place of torment and confusion - this is something I have experienced for so long now and I am done with it. 

I've already beaten suicide. If i can do that, then I can take the next step towards betterment and improving my own state of mind. 

It's hard. Very hard. 

But the thing is I recall a time in my life where I was better, both psychologically and physically. It was about April-May 2022. Two years ago. I've gone far down a path and I've now decided to leave it. To simply just ditch it. To just move off into a new one. One where I will not be bothered by the same things , one where I stand up for myself , one where I will seek the help I need , one where I won't shy away from saying what I truly feel about anything in a given moment. one that will not feed paranoia and overly skeptical thinking. 

I feel a bit better for making this post and I will now call a help service to guide me through feeling so overwhelmed with things. 

[Minkie-Rose]

Hi @MDT 

Thank you very much for your heartfelt and honest post. You are obviously dealing with a range of emotions, which are manifestations of your beliefs, values, and unique life experiences.

While not of your lived experience, it was pleasing to read that you see benefit in prioritising your mental health. To this end, the process of emotional healing and related timelines is different for everyone and as such, a continuance of therapy would seem highly sensible. 

I also hear that you are challenged by rumination. 

I wonder have you considered meditation (the old-fashioned word for mindfulness) and acceptance commitment therapy? You might be interested to learn that the former has been effectively used to "slow the mind" for centuries, while the latter diverts attention from the "process of worrying" (which you seem to be stuck in) to resolving the issue itself. A good therapist can deliver both treatments with equal success. 

In fear of being patronising, your resilience and emotional self-awareness are also evident, and are obvious areas of strength. So too, is your self-insight, which you can use to advantage in problem solving, and your on-going commitment to "fighting the good fight". 

Lastly, please be kind to yourself and bear in mind that self forgiveness, more than most actions, provides you with a solid foundation for personal healing and relational repair. 

13 11 14 - Lifeline Crisis Support Line | Lifeline Australia

[MDT]

@Minkie-Rose
thank you very much for your post and your understanding

it was a huge thing to write about

i rang up sane helpline and that helped a lot

I will start looking at Blue KNot foundation too

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @MDT 🙂

Firstly, thank you for sharing with us your thoughts and story. I was able to connect with parts of your story such as not wanting to burden others and the inability to speak when needed, at the same time wishing to say everything all at once. This is difficult, and while we can understand so deeply how all of this works, I can absolutely understand how it can feel impossible to apply to ourselves. But I am glad you have reached out on the forums, and that writing allows you to guide yourself through your feelings of overwhelm.

Secondly, I am so glad to read that the SANE helpline was helpful for you just now and also am curious if you have delved into the realm of meditation as @Minkie-Rose had suggested.

Your combo of '3' things you identified as possibly being the 'strong thing to do' is what I personally chose to do on my mental health journey. And while I am still on it, I can now see the difference in feeling better and being better through the actions, expressions and self-compassion I have learned for myself.

Lastly, while Crime and Punishment is on my to-read list, I recently finished Notes from the Underground (have you read this?) and wanted to share these quotes I highlighted with you:

"... but in spite of all these uncertainties and jugglings, still there is an ache in you, and the more you do not know, the worse the ache."

"... conscious that that day I had committed a loathsome action again, that what was done could never be undone, and secretly, inwardly gnawing, gnawing at myself for it, tearing and consuming myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort of shameful sweetness, and at last - into positive real enjoyment!"

"... TO SEE EVERYTHING AND TO SEE IT OFTEN INCOMPARABLY MORE CLEARLY THAN OUR MOST REALISTIC MINDS SEE IT..." (sorry this one is in caps.. it's how it was in the book.. promise I am not shouting at you :P)

Hope the rest of your Monday can go smoothly ~

PizzaMondo 🙂

[Minkie-Rose]

Hi @MDT 

Its the least I can do, but thank you nevertheless. 

I sensed that you took a big gulp before drafting your post - it was a lot to unload.

Your recent and proposed actions are very sensible. I say this, as we all need someone to help carry the load at times, 

Please take the best of care, and remember to prioritise the things that make you happy. 

[MDT]

@PizzaMondo

Notes from underground is on my list for sure


I have a plan to write my review of Crime and Punishment soon. That book hit me in the right place. So much going on. My gf got it for me actually. With notes in it for me. I was reading it one day at the Cafe near work and the owners son came in. He, like me, has found it hard to fit in throughout society.

Was cool having a small chat to him

I'm reading 9/11 and the art of happiness atm. Really interesting insight to someone who lost his mum in that attack.

Next book will be A Hero of Our Time by Mikhaul Lermatov. He was an inspiration for Dostoyevsky. Pretty cool hey.

[OM108]

@MDT 

i can feel you really put your heart into sharing how you are feeling.

you seem like a very resilient person, and that you have tried to face the "demons" of the past and move forward. personally i have found that trying to solve it in the mental space is like getting trapped in a maze, and i get lost going round and round in circles in my mind.

what i have found is that the somatic and creative practices have helped me to move stuck trauma responses in my body without needing to dredge up past events. there are many things you could try out to see what works for you eg. yoga, martial arts, dance, art or expressive therapies, singing, breathwork, trekking etc

wishing you well

[MDT]

Thinking drawing, puzzles, music are all possible answers @OM108

You're quite right about that in regards to the maze. I think often times I've gotten caught up in it. A maze that I've made myself, one I've made the walls too and one where I've created my own unique manifestations of demons and Minotaur.

Fun fact - I defeated the Minotaur in Assassins Creed haha.

Anyways I think the creative pursuit is what I need. It's not that I've Suppressed it deliberately but it is the case that I've ignored it.

Last week I put up two of my drawings from 10 years ago. Last night I went to see the Sydney symphony play at the Opera house with my partner.
The conductor made us laugh with her mannerisms.

Right now, I'm drinking a long black. It's 730am. No one is around. It's rainy. I'll be headed off to the markets to get get fresh produce which is cheaper and nicer tasting.

I sent my friend a photo of my drawings and he was amazed. Told me I should go pro. Maybe.

All I now know is that I have that outlet. To create is to be life affirming. It is to say to the universe that you can make things too. I was very innovative with my lego, albeit a bit dark and violent possibly just because I loved star wars, LOTR, and thee type of films and shows. Anything with a battle haha.

One upon a time I was troubled by my own past childhood, where I'd draw violent battles. But then again to apply a revisionist lens to that, as if I was a troubled child, is too simple. After all, kids express what they see. All I was doing was that and expressi g what I saw in shows. Star Wars AND LOTRs was always about a deeper meaning, a truth or a struggle to get through. That's all. There's actually a beauty to it - I was expressing a meaningful thing in some way.

I've notcedthat to suppress that creative outlet is damaging to me. I work in an industry with cynicism and left of brain thinking you see, and forcing myself to live, as in truly LIVE on one side of the brain? A pitiful pursuit.

Just shared some anecdotes with the barrista just now

What a world

[OM108]

@MDT 

what a wonderful post!

great to hear you aleady have creative pursuits at your fingertips and are dusting them off as we speak...art and music are such great outlets for self expression and reawakening our inner joy.

Yay to that!!

I am new to the forum so haven't discovered if there is an area where members can share their art and music?

best wishes on your journey of self discovery

[OM108]

@MDT 

i just found this thread and guess there is a lot more creative spaces to discover on this forum!

https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/Art-for-Healing/m-p/1446261