Need to find someone who has my type of anxiety

[Kim88]

Hi everyone,

I know that lots of people have anxiety, but I'm finding it hard to find someone who has my particular type of anxiety. It would be helpul to talk to anyone who can relate to my experience and perhaps share some coping strategies with each other.

So basically, when I get anxiety I don't usually have a fast heart rate or find it hard to breathe like lots of people do. But I can't concentrate on anything and everything around me feels really scary. It takes me forever to do a simple task because I'm not thinking clearly. Every sound I hear is amplified and I can't take in what is happening around me, I just see people moving past. I kind of feel this sense of dread, have disturbing images flash in my mind and feel really genuinly threatened and scared. It feels like a bomb is going to go off or someone is about to come in shooting. I also feel depressed and like there's no hope when I have these episodes. I imagine that someone who has been through a lot and has been kidnapped and traumatised would come out of it feeling like this with PTSD in their day to day life. But I haven't been through any of that. But when I'm in these episodes it feels like I've been kidnapped and I'm in a small room seeing the attacker coming back into the room. 

I also have this thing where I look around at clutter in my house and other places and think about how big the process would be to pack it all up and move and how hard it would be to plan and organise and do. Then I just start to lose it and freak out. I think about how everything is made and how everything works, like telephones and technology and it starts to warp me out. If anyone can relate to this I would love to hear from you. 

I'm worried that I won't be able to have a career because I can't function when I have these episodes. I want to be a nurse but it would be pretty hard to respond to emergencies when I'm in one of these episodes. So I'm trying to not hide away when I have these episodes and instead go out shopping and do things so that I adjust to my anxiety with the aim of eventually being able to concentrate properly even when I have the anxiey. But I'm not sure if this approach is going to help it or just make me worse.

If anyone can relate to this or has some advice to share I would really really appreciate it!

Thanks heaps 🙂

[Egret]

Hi @Kim88

I think I can relate to what you experience. When I get anxious or overwhelmed, my mind goes blank a lot and I can't concentrate. Things make me feel irritated and brittle inside - often I can't listen to music because it feels like it's scratching inside my brain. I also find it really hard to focus on the people around me, so I can find that I have been ignoring them for awhile without even realising.

I also understand becoming overwhelmed by how 'big' things are. This used to affect me a lot, and I know that I'm struggling when I start to feel personally responsible for every object that is near me, or to feel crushed by the weight of all the 'data' that is in the world. I have trouble with house clutter, and had about 5 weeks straight of chaos when I moved house earlier this year (I didn't cope very well with all of our things being in boxes).

I am (usually) much better with these things that I used to be. This is due to a combination of finding the right diagnosis for me, accessing the right medication and having regular visits with my psychologist (who I have a good relationship with). To be honest, the medication has been very important and has stabilised my moods a lot. My psychologist is amazing and has helped so much, but I think I wouldn't have been able to do the work with her without having the medication give me a more stable base to begin from.

These days, when I find myself becoming spacey or brittle or overwhelmed, I try to use my words to let my partner know what is going on so he can give me some space. I went through a period where cooking dinner became very difficult, and I put together a spreadsheet where I would check in with myself before starting a task, note how I'm feeling and what would make the task easier/harder, and then choose a task that I felt like I could do while remaining calm. Sometimes I was able to cook a whole meal, and sometimes my only goal was to eat anything other than biscuits for dinner. This helped me to stay calm while being in the kitchen, so that I could gradually increase the amount of kitchen work I could do without becoming overwhelmed. I learned from that exercise that one of the most important things for me is to try to stay grounded and calm, because when I push myself outside of my window of tolerance things tend to snowball and I end up struggling for awhile.

I hope this is in some way helpful 

[Jumpingcactus]

@Kim88 I read your post and can relate a little to what your describing but I tend to describe it differently. For me when I get in a panic I always check my Fitbit for my beats per minute, if I’m at rest and beating approx 95 beats per minute, that’s a sign I’m panicking, at times I’ve seen it go up to 120 beats per minute at rest. Then the symptoms of blurry vision, can’t speak properly, tension headaches, poor concentration, coordination problems all arise. If I’m at work it’s really bad. Kangaroos on our roads can be dangerous for the animal and ourselves. They tend to run into the road and appear to be going into the side and off the road and then bang, at the last second they do a 360 and end up in your car! I often wondered why kangaroos do that causing there deaths so asked a wires expert. They said when kangaroos panic they can’t think properly, parts of the brain shut down and it causes decision making to be poor and end up going to the source of the fear. When they explained it to me it made perfect sense to me, when I panic, my brain more or less shuts down, that’s when I began to research the frontal lobes frontal cortex of the brain.

[Kim88]

Hi jumpingcactus,

Thank you for that insight. It makes perfect sense. I don't get blurred vision, but everything I look at seems really scary and it kind of feels like I'm in a blur and it's as if the lighting changes to being gloomier. This sounds weird but the dark spots on people's faces are accentuated and it really freaks me out. Do you get that at all? This started happening today so I used my self talk to try and calm me down. I also went for a walk, even though a walk often triggers me off because I wanted to try and face it and use my self talk while I was on the walk to try and beat it. It  did pretty much go away after a while but I'm noticing real fatigue in my body right now and I wonder of maybe I pushed myself too far. I'm also feeling a bit on edge now. I won't be able to be a nurse on the wards if I get this anxiety because I don't feel I will be able take care of people properly or respond to emergencies with a clear head. It really devastates me. Just don;t know what to do right now. It really sucks living with this. It really is a disability because it prevents me from being able to do things and it is really frustrating. Thanks so much again for your message.

[Kim88]

Hi Egret,

Yeah when I'm really bad I can't have the music in my car on. Actually driving is really scary because it's hard to concentrate and I have to stare at the car in front of me and really concentrate on it in case it slows down and stops.

I also forgot to mention that everything I look at seems really scary and it kind of feels like I'm in a blur and it's as if the lighting changes to being gloomier. This sounds weird but the dark spots on people's faces are accentuated and it really freaks me out. Do you get that at all? This started happening today so I used my self talk to try and calm myself down. I also went for a walk, even though a walk often triggers me off, because I wanted to try and face it and use my self talk while I was on the walk to try and beat it. It did pretty much go away after a while but I'm noticing real fatigue in my body right now and I wonder if maybe I pushed myself too far. I'm also feeling a bit on edge now. I won't be able to be a nurse on the wards if I get this anxiety because I don't feel I will be able take care of people properly or respond to emergencies with a clear head. It really devastates me. Just don't know what to do right now. It really sucks living with this. It really is a disability because it prevents me from being able to do things and it is really frustrating.

Yeah it's amazing how just basic tasks like cooking become like this really big thing. I really struggle with it and I usually only cook simple meals because I just can't deal with all the planning, the preparation ect. But I'm really determined. I'm not sure if my determination and motivation is a good thing or bad thing, because I might be pushing myself over the edge. I've been doing  a lot of self talk lately to try and calm myslef down. I say, "It's alright, I'm the one in control here, everything is ok. It's just a simple task, I can do it, I've done it before". So that's the kind of approach I'm taking. I might just have to keep a balance so that I don't push myself too far.

I'm working on getting my medication right. Thanks so much for all of your advice. it's really kind of you. I'm glad that you seem to have come so far and have great supports to see you through.

Thanks again 🙂

[Kim88]

Hi @Egret

Yeah when I'm really bad I can't have the music in my car on. Actually driving is really scary because it's hard to concentrate and I have to stare at the car in front of me and really concentrate on it in case it slows down and stops.

I also forgot to mention that everything I look at seems really scary and it kind of feels like I'm in a blur and it's as if the lighting changes to being gloomier. This sounds weird but the dark spots on people's faces are accentuated and it really freaks me out. Do you get that at all? This started happening today so I used my self talk to try and calm myself down. I also went for a walk, even though a walk often triggers me off, because I wanted to try and face it and use my self talk while I was on the walk to try and beat it. It did pretty much go away after a while but I'm noticing real fatigue in my body right now and I wonder if maybe I pushed myself too far. I'm also feeling a bit on edge now. I won't be able to be a nurse on the wards if I get this anxiety because I don't feel I will be able take care of people properly or respond to emergencies with a clear head. It really devastates me. Just don't know what to do right now. It really sucks living with this. It really is a disability because it prevents me from being able to do things and it is really frustrating.

Yeah it's amazing how just basic tasks like cooking become like this really big thing. I really struggle with it and I usually only cook simple meals because I just can't deal with all the planning, the preparation ect. But I'm really determined. I'm not sure if my determination and motivation is a good thing or bad thing, because I might be pushing myself over the edge. I've been doing  a lot of self talk lately to try and calm myslef down. I say, "It's alright, I'm the one in control here, everything is ok. It's just a simple task, I can do it, I've done it before". So that's the kind of approach I'm taking. I might just have to keep a balance so that I don't push myself too far.

I'm working on getting my medication right. Thanks so much for all of your advice. it's really kind of you. I'm glad that you seem to have come so far and have great supports to see you through.

Thanks again

[Kim88]

Hi @Jumpingcactus

Thank you for that insight. It makes perfect sense. I don't get blurred vision, but everything I look at seems really scary and it kind of feels like I'm in a blur and it's as if the lighting changes to being gloomier. This sounds weird but the dark spots on people's faces are accentuated and it really freaks me out. Do you get that at all? This started happening today so I used my self talk to try and calm me down. I also went for a walk, even though a walk often triggers me off because I wanted to try and face it and use my self talk while I was on the walk to try and beat it. It  did pretty much go away after a while but I'm noticing real fatigue in my body right now and I wonder of maybe I pushed myself too far. I'm also feeling a bit on edge now. I won't be able to be a nurse on the wards if I get this anxiety because I don't feel I will be able take care of people properly or respond to emergencies with a clear head. It really devastates me. Just don;t know what to do right now. It really sucks living with this. It really is a disability because it prevents me from being able to do things and it is really frustrating. Thanks so much again for your message.

[Jumpingcactus]

@Kim88 Hope all is well, no I don’t see dark spots on people’s faces when in panic but I think that’s a great question because it made me think about what I see when I’m in panic. I think my panic stops me from focusing on anything at all. I can see what’s around me but feels like my brain functions at half capacity at the time, then when things settle I’m exhausted. I think it’s great you went for a walk, I think that’s the best thing you could of done. It sounds like you are really worried about feelingbyou can’t be a nurse. I understand this myself within my own career choices. I would say that if you want it bad enough you will get there, helping others is great medicine for yourself because it makes you feel good and your value is noticed and respected. I say give it a go, you won’t know if you don’t try. Try and work out a strategy that works for you if you ever get in a stressful situation. I also think you would make use of “the worry tree” diagram. Please google it and have a look. It helped me in very difficult times but you need to keep it on hand for those unexpected moments. I too treat it as disability, one that no one can see of course.