‎02-09-2025 02:09 PM
‎02-09-2025 02:09 PM
TW: mentions of suicide
Hi all ,
Is there a way though? I don't see one, I am a suicide survivor which is extremely embarrassing especially at the time, but I guess being intoxicated you don't always get things right... my doctor is filling me with drugs [edited by moderator] my psychologist is borderline sending the police around to take me to hospital ( her words ) ... so my question for people on here is how? How do you feel happy enough that you want to live you're life? Is there a trick to enjoying life or are some of us just meant to live life behind a mask until we decide enough is enough?
‎02-09-2025 02:44 PM - edited ‎02-09-2025 02:49 PM
‎02-09-2025 02:44 PM - edited ‎02-09-2025 02:49 PM
hey @Code448,
firstly, welcome to the forums!! it's lovely to have you here.
i do believe there is a way through. when i was at my lowest, i couldn't imagine my life getting better. i felt exhausted and empty a lot of the time. but i did keep going, i took small, slow steps and worked on reframing my thoughts. you know that saying, 'fake it till you make it'? well weirdly that sorta worked for me - even when my thoughts were negative and awful, i reframed them and told myself things will get better, that it's okay to feel this way and i'm not a burden, that i am worthy (even though i didn't fully believe it at the time). the more i practiced it, the more i started believing it, and i did start to see slow changes like, getting my energy back and being able to do the basics (like eat, exercise, hygiene) without it feeling like an effort. and now, i have new goals, interests, passions, etc - i finally have the energy to think about them and work towards them. learning about the brain and how thought patterns work really helped me in understanding myself and realising that things can get better. it also helped heaps knowing i wasn't alone, that there are people who have struggled too and are thriving now. i know that what works for me might not work for you, but i share this in hope that it can provide you with some hope too.
is there someone (a friend, therapist, etc) that you do feel comfy talking to about those thoughts/feelings with? you absolutely deserve to be heard. i also wanted to check-in, are you able to stay safe at the moment?
please do not hesitate to reach out to these services if you're feeling overwhelmed:
we hope that this community can be a safe space for you too. you've shown so much strength in reaching out here. let us know whether you're safe 💙
p.s. i've slightly edited your post to remove the medication name + dosage & add a TW at the top. this is to help meet our guideline around 'limit detail descriptions' which you can check out here: Community Guidelines
‎02-09-2025 05:11 PM
‎02-09-2025 05:11 PM
Hello and thankyou Rav3n
It is great to hear you're story and that you have completely turned you're thoughts and feelings around, you and I'm sure alot of other people out there also ...
I don't have that person I can talk to, my mates are not the type to take it seriously I guess, when I talk to my therapist I hold back and put on a front to hide my true thoughts I try to give her just enough without her wanting to send me to a hospital but she's very intelligent and can see right though me anyway alot of the time , I guess I've just read way to many bad reviews about people going to the mental ward 😅
I have found lifeline helpful and have used them six times over the last month or two , very nice people and judgement free but get the sense they also are just tryna get you off the phone as quick as possible I think they have a timelimit per caller ( just my personal opinion ) but as to your question .... yes I am safe at this current time thankyou!😊
Thought I'd join Sane and just see what this is all about it randomly popped up on one of my not so sane google searches...
‎02-09-2025 05:52 PM
‎02-09-2025 05:52 PM
talking about our honest thoughts/feelings can be hard, and it sounds like you've got a great therapist @Code448 in my experience, the ones who can see through you are the best ones. now you've got the community here too for support 💙
i haven't had a hospital admission before but i have read many other members stories. a lot of them were weary about it too, but many of them did say that although they didn't want to go, they really did need it and it has helped a lot of people. i've heard good things about PARCs, if that's something you're interested in looking into.
sometimes those crisis lines do get busy/have a long queue, but that's not on you at all. feel free to keep calling them as many times as you need, you deserve the support! thanks for confirming your safety too.
glad you found this space! if you have any questions about navigating here or finding a particular thread, etc., feel free to reach out!
also wanted to share a lil forums tip - when you reply to a member, you can tag them using the @ symbol and typing the username. once it turns blue like this @Code448, it means they will be notified of your response - hope this helps!
‎02-09-2025 09:12 PM
‎02-09-2025 09:12 PM
Hey @Code448 ,
Your post really drew my attention, esp your first post where you mentioned, "Is there a trick to enjoying life or are some of us just meant to live life behind a mask until we decide enough is enough?"
I don't think there is a 'trick' but I do think that people are meant to live a life behind a mask until they decided enough is enough. Why? Because it's the only way they know how.
The main point is, what are they going to do one they've decided "enough is enough"? Is this "enough" enough to push you to consider making changes?
I can share that this was my life. I came to the point that enough was enough. I was sick of being sick. So I made the determination to find a way to change - for the better.
So a few years on, I'm in a much much better place. From dreading each day to actually loving life.
Since you're here on the forums, feel free to also navigate some of SANE's other services. They are all free of cost. Feel free to check them out:
SANE's Guided Recovery: 1:1 individualised support over 16 weeks: https://www.sane.org/referral
SANE's Recovery Club: 6 month program: https://www.sane.org/recovery-club
It's worth it mate. You're not alone.
‎15-09-2025 10:27 PM
‎15-09-2025 10:27 PM
I completely forgot about these forums aswell as the Beyond Blue ones lol so I might return. Just incase I will reintroduce myself.
I’m 25 (26 in November) and from regional VIC. I struggle a lot with my mental health, and I have some interests but maybe I might make my own post about that instead of putting it here. [edited by moderator]
Nice to meet you all.
‎16-09-2025 02:07 PM
‎16-09-2025 02:07 PM
hiya @red_roses!! welcome back 😊
looking forward to seeing you around the forums!
p.s. i've edited out your name from your recent posts - we have a 'staying anonymous' guideline to help protect your privacy and keep you safe on the forums. if you have any questions, feel free to reach out!
‎17-09-2025 02:16 AM
‎17-09-2025 02:16 AM
my apologies for mentioning my first name, I forgot as it’s been a while. thank you though @rav3n
‎17-09-2025 11:50 AM
‎17-09-2025 11:50 AM
yesterday
Warning: Not sure, but perhaps potential triggers as I do mention suicidal ideation.
Hello.
I'm here because, to be candid with you, I'm desperate. Not that I'm imminent danger, so please do not be concerned, it is because I'm fighting numerous battles without support. I'm as alone as one can be.
The doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and counsellors I’ve seen have been of little help. Some of them did more harm than good. Finding life on mars may be hard, but it’s nothing compared to finding a good mental health practitioner. I don't know what you have experienced, but I find that none of them take me seriously. It's as if the only way to convince them you are genuinely on the ropes, so to speak, is to do something drastic. The best I've gotten from any of them, amounts to the same as being given a water pistol and then told to go fight a forest fire.
I’ve tried EMDR, Trans Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and of course medications. Nothing worked or works. Treatment resistant, that’s me apparently. You kind of know you’re not wanted when Life Line actually hangs up on you. Twice! So, I’m seeing a psychiatrist in October to discuss ECT. Last ditch attempt to stay alive, although some might wonder why I’m bothering. Well, there are things I still want to do if I can just get ‘well’.
My challenges include ADHD, Bipolar 2, CPTSD, severe depression, suicidal ideation, prolonged grief disorder, chronic insomnia and hyposomnia, a form of dyslexia, and chronic fatigue. Oh woe is me. No, I get it. We all have our trials and tribulations. But suffering is relative and therefore even though different in nature it can be equal in result.
Regarding the ideation, I read somewhere once that if you can go three days without acting, the feeling will often have changed by then. So, I made the rule that if I want to end things, I have to wait five days. If I still feel the same way on the fifth day then I am free to start preparations. It’s worked thus far closest I’ve gotten is two days out.
Something goes wrong for me in most interactions with people. It's always either strongly negative or positive. For example, my line manager despises me but my students love me. Naturally I avoid people, especially large groups in social situations. Hence, it has taken me a long time to decide risking joining this forum even though it is virtual interaction. I full well expect to get it wrong, write too much or the wrong things.
With that in mind, apparently, I'm supposed to share a few fun facts about me. Okay. I'm in my early sixties. Thanks to my conditions, undiagnosed at the time, I had no idea what to do after leaving High School in Grade 10. As a result, I've had 33 different jobs including sales, taxi driver, climbing tree cutter specialising in palm trees, actor, pastor, editor, and composite warehouse packer. My 'interests' are kayak fishing, metal detecting, and technical tree climbing.
If I get through this current struggle my long-term goal is to undertake a three year self-funded archaeological survey of Malta and its sister islands. There are many myths associated with these islands, and I would like to settle once and for all as many of them as I can, writing a book in the process. This will involve walking all accessible ground, using thermal imaging and a two box metal detector, in search of undiscovered caves, tombs and tunnels. I'll also need to explore some of the known caves, but this will be my first time caving so I have a lot to learn. But at times it seems more like a pipe dream that I’ll ever be able to get there.
I teach in an international school, specialising in IELTS, which is a test required to obtain visas. Beyond that, I conduct original research and design experiments concerning how to enable the acquisition of another language. Modesty aside, I’ve enjoyed a lot of success being able to develop innovative and unique methods that are making an enormous difference in my students’ progress.
Now they are comprehending things that have eluded them for years, and they are achieving unparalleled improvements in their scores. To give you an idea of what I mean, the industry standard is that a student in an intensive IELTS course should advance by half a band in each skill, after 12 weeks. My students’ increases range from half a band to three full bands in 4 weeks.
When I am in the classroom, I am so focused on what I’m doing that nothing else bothers me. About fifteen minutes after my students leave, the depression returns. You can imagine how important this interaction with them is for me. It is no exaggeration that they have helped me stay alive for the past eight or so years. The problem has always been the school. Persecution rather than recognition. Rejection as opposed to acceptance. It has always been a toxic work environment but endurable until the new Head of English joined us. He is a problem for everyone, but it is me who bears the brunt of his bullying.
It got so bad that I had to take Long Service Leave. That’s supposed to end this week, with my return expected on the 29th of September. Can’t do it. While I wait for the union to talk with my employer, I’ve informed them that I will need to take at least an additional two weeks – unpaid as language schools are allowed to class us as casuals even though we work regular hours.
Today I had the most ludicrous and frustrating conversation with my union representative. I used to be a union man, my father and his father were union men. But those unions don’t exist anymore, the ones who would fight for your rights. My union representative seems more interested in keeping my employer happy. That was a very depressing call. He obviously has not properly read the documents I sent, because he thinks he can negotiate a better working environment for me. Good luck with that. I sincerely doubt I’ll be going back.
I confess that I am afraid. If not for the depression, I'd be hustling just as I used to do, but I have nothing left. I'm done. So I fear ending up on the streets because I can no longer meet my financial requirements. I'm down, not out, but the count is almost done and I still can't find a way to get back on my feet. The energy required to start again, the motivation to do so, is severely lacking.
I was the carer for my mum and after she died my world went with her. That was about eight years ago and my life has slowly but surely spiralled down towards the abyss ever since. For a time I will rally, but then when I slip into another depression the ideation is that much stronger. There are other options I could take regarding income, but I feel unable to act pinned down as I am by this intense gravity that my depression generates.
Over the last two months I have left my house three times. It’s hard to convince myself to go anywhere. I’ll think the night before that I’m going to go out and do something, but then the next day I delay until it’s too late. The only thing that gets me out is something like the aforementioned doctor’s appointment. If I could stay home all the time I would. I'm very close to giving up, but will give the ECT a try first.
It’s so tiring being the one in the wrong all the time, never quite good enough, treated differently to those around you, constantly gaslit and having to deal with passive aggressive people left, right and centre. The worst of it though is the loneliness. That’s my reason for joining and sharing this, just to be heard. Beyond that I don’t expect anything else. I’ve arrived at the understanding that I am beyond help, frankly my personality is too fractured to be healed.
I am not someone who only takes. Where I can I will give. But I must confess that I don’t know what I can give right now except my honesty. Perhaps for some, hearing their pain and struggles echoed in the words of another might being some comfort, I hope so.
Thank you for your time spent reading this.
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